You want everything to be flawless. After all, you have high standards. You work hard and focus on the details. You need to have everything under your control to ensure it runs smoothly. That’s because mistakes make you nervous. Anything could be out of place or inadequate paralyses you with fear.  

The problem with perfectionism is that when things don’t go exactly the way you expect, the world instantly crumbles. It’s a lot of internal pressure – something you’re hoping to escape. 

I have some good news for you. I’m about to help you break that self-critical cycle.

How to Overcome Perfectionism in 5 steps

The Problem with Perfectionism

Is it wrong to strive for perfection?

People associate perfectionism with high-level performance and achievement. Positive traits like attention to detail and diligence help people excel. However, there is a key difference between a healthy pursuit of excellence and perfectionism.

The pursuit of excellence usually stems from a desire for self-improvement. On the other hand, perfectionists set unrealistic goals for themselves, often to earn the approval of others, and crumble under pressure to achieve them. This causes anxiety.

Dysfunctional thinking

Ultimately, perfectionism is a by-product of dysfunctional thinking. It is based on the belief if you are perfect you can escape judgement and embarrassment. It is a defence mechanism against the shame that comes with failure.

Perfectionists usually ignore positives and fixate on flaws to the point of obsession. They measure their worth based on achievements but also easily dismiss their accomplishments. They are also prone to blaming themselves for things that are out of their control. 

The fear of failure

Having impossibly high standards makes it easy to question the quality of your work. Perfectionists may make negative judgments about their work even if it is adequate. There is a constant fear of failure that leads to high levels of stress and low self-esteem.

With time, unhealthy coping mechanisms develop. For example, the fear of doing a task poorly can be so overwhelming that you procrastinate on it. You submit your work at the last minute. Now you have the excuse that you didn’t work too hard on it. You’ve successfully escaped failure.

How to beat perfectionism in 5 Steps

Recognise dysfunctional thoughts/behaviours

Cognitive distortions are harmful and irrational thinking patterns. Some of these are quite common in perfectionists:

1. Disqualifying the positives and focusing on the negatives only, e.g ignoring multiple compliments because of one negative comment
2. All-or-nothing thinking means you think in absolutes. For example, “I never do well”, “I always fail.”
3. Personalisation means you believe you are responsible for events outside of your control or have nothing to do with you. For example, your best friend gets some bad news and isn’t smiling as much as usual. You are convinced that it’s because of something you did.
4. Labelling is about making generalisations about someone’s character based on one incident. For example, you fail a driving test and start calling yourself a failure despite all the times you were successful at other things.
5. Should statements happen when we think there are set rules about life and they lead to a lot of guilt. You might find yourself thinking “I should be studying” when you take a break.

Here are some ways you can combat your cognitive distortions:

Realistic standards/goals

If one of the hallmarks of perfectionism is setting unobtainable, high standards, learning how to set realistic goals can help you out of your damaging perfectionism.

1. Know your values: understand why the goals and standards you set for yourself are important to you? Will it help you become a better version of yourself or are they set so high to gain the approval of someone else?
2. Quit the comparisons: your life does not need to measure up to the achievements of others. Rather than setting someone else’s life as a benchmark for success, pay attention to your progress. See how you can improve step by step.
3. Understand your expectations: evaluate if your expectations are realistic. Do you have all the tools, time, skills and support to reach your lofty goals? If not, try to make some adjustments based on your resources.
4. Use your experience: ask yourself “what has the past told me about the outcomes of seeking perfection?” Think about how you behaved in the past and what adjustments you can make to avoid some of those same negative outcomes.

Self-compassion

Being kind to yourself can be the most difficult thing on earth, especially when you feel inadequate or like you’ve failed at something. There are even times when focusing on and caring for yourself feels selfish. However, self-compassion improves self-worth and decreases fear of failure. Here are some ways you can practise self-compassion

1. Acknowledge when you are struggling: be kind to yourself in those moments, avoid negative language and ask for help from people you trust. Rest when you are tired. Do something that brings you joy.
2. Adjust your inner voice: your inner critic is often the loudest. To combat this, think about if a loved one was in the same situation as you. Would you speak to them as harshly as you speak to yourself? What would you say instead?
3. Let it go: sometimes things are beyond your control. Rather than let it ruin your progress, accept that it is out of your hands and turn your attention to the things you can control
4. Forgive yourself: Forgive yourself when you make a mistake, and realise that you are not the only person who has ever got it wrong.

Just do it (beat procrastination)

1. Identify why you’ve been procrastinating. Is it a fear of failure? Feeling overwhelmed?
2. Forgive yourself. Practice that self-compassion.
3. Adjust your to-do list. Identify the most important and urgent tasks you need to complete and delegate or delete less important tasks.
4. Break it down. If it’s a big task, try to break it down into smaller parts and spread it over a greater period of time. For example, if you have a big essay due, gathering your resources, doing research and creating an outline would be small tasks you could tackle immediately.
5. Set aside time to complete the task. Even short periods of 25 minutes of uninterrupted work will move you forward.

Progress is better than perfection

A growth mindset is probably the greatest tool we have against perfectionism. That is because the belief that we can always improve our skills and intelligence makes failure seem a bit less terrifying. Perfectionism usually causes stress and negative self-evaluation. Instead of focusing on perfect performance or outcome, give yourself time to focus on the process. You will be surprised by what you learn along the way. Keep track of your growth. Reflecting on and celebrating that growth can often be more satisfying than a long list of achievements.

Summary

Perfectionism leads to high performance, but it is unhealthy and unsustainable. Many perfectionists end up with high levels of stress and anxiety. The way to combat perfectionism and its side effects starts with recognising detrimental thinking patterns, setting realistic standards and self-compassion. Once you learn those skills it becomes easier to look at your goals objectively and move them forward with less pressure and expectations.

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Resources

Stoeber, J., Lalova, A. and Lumley, E., 2020. Perfectionism, (self-)compassion, and subjective well-being: A mediation model. Personality and Individual Differences, 154, p.109708.

Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. 1991. Perfectionism in the Self and Social Contexts: Conceptualisation, assessment and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 60 p. 456 – 470

Kelly, J., 2016. Perfectionism—The Foe of Happiness. University of Pennsylvania Orthopaedic Journal, 26, pp.68-70.