Your relationship status with yourself is complicated, I know. Self-love feels like a myth or an elusive daydream. What does it even mean to love yourself? Self-love is probably one of the most challenging things you’ll ever have to learn. Some have tried for a lifetime and failed.
But you’ll be different. Once you have the basics down, self-love will transform how you move through life, change your relationships with others, and curb unwanted insults to your emotional well-being. Today’s guide will give you insights on how to start your self-love journey.
No time to read the whole thing? Read the summary here.
Table of Contents
What is self-love?
Self-love is about caring for yourself. It requires patience, compassion, an acknowledgement of your worth and a fierce commitment to yourself despite adversity and suffering.
But patience is difficult when your brain behaves like an unruly toddler, always on the move and randomly throwing tantrums. Compassion is even more impossible when mistakes pile up and your “should haves” lie discarded in the corner of your bedroom. Commitment to yourself? Well, what if the closest thing you’ve come to is to commit to your favourite sandwich?
Why is self-love so hard?
It’s so much easier to love others than to love yourself. Usually, that’s because we’re our own worst critic. It seems everyone else is getting along well enough, and you’re the only fool in the building getting it wrong. Feeling this way leads to loneliness and isolation because it seems like you’re suffering alone. It’s a prison of our own making, built from unreasonable expectations.
Self-criticism is a difficult habit to break when it’s formed early in childhood. It’s a behaviour modelled to us when we see trusted adults criticise themselves. We also internalise criticism from important figures in our lives and build beliefs around what we are capable and worthy of.
Low self-esteem is a significant factor in how we perceive our capabilities compared to others. Feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness can make us feel unloveable.
Self-sacrifice disguised as selflessness is another sneaky culprit behind a problematic relationship with ourselves. Putting your needs above others as a show of selflessness or people-pleasing can be a subtle way to self-sabotage.
Synonyms of self-love: 7 Ways to Love Yourself
The path to self-love is non-linear, with plenty of detours. Sometimes, it will take you in circles, but the following seven mindset shifts and actions can be landmarks on your journey.
Self-love is Forgiving Your Mistakes
There is no easy way to love your mistakes, but you can learn from them:
Have your Pity Party
You are allowed to feel guilt and regret. They can be helpful motivators to change the behaviour that led to your mistake(s). Take a moment to stew in your emotions. Think back to what happened and flesh out what went wrong. Was it a lack of knowledge, a lapse in judgment or an uncalculated reaction?
Write down what thoughts and actions led to your mistake.
Release Excess Guilt
Guilt is natural and important when you’ve done something reprehensible. However, every situation has aspects that are beyond our control. There is no use ruminating on things you can no longer change. Not everything is your fault. Don’t take on blame where there is none, and don’t carry the blame of others.
Take responsibility
Your instinctive response to failure or mistakes is to hide or isolate due to shame. However, taking tangible steps to correct your actions can alleviate guilt and free you from harmful thoughts about self-punishment. Be courageous. Take ownership of your mistakes and take steps to remedy the harm you’ve done. This is true even when the only victim of your transgression was yourself.
Affirm Your Capacity for Growth
Forgiveness isn’t a green light to make the same mistake twice. Take what you’ve learnt from your experience as a way to grow. Notice how you can think and act differently next time you’re in a tricky situation.
Read more about developing a growth mindset here.
Journal Prompt:
Write a letter to your younger self forgiving them for their mistakes.
Get your free self-forgiveness worksheet here.
Self-love is Being Your Own Best Friend
Friends are the people we spend our lives with. We often give our time and emotional resources to our friends without a second thought because they bring us joy, support, and comfort. When we give ourselves the same internal resources, we can greatly improve our relationship with ourselves.
Spend quality time
Good friends spend time together. To be your own best friend, do things you find fun. Learn to entertain yourself with hobbies or take yourself on solo dates. Become comfortable sitting with yourself and being the source of your joy.
Be a good listener
Good friends listen without judgment. You can be a better friend to yourself by paying attention to your thoughts and feelings. Instead of meeting them with judgment, you can offer yourself words of support and kindness.
Be compassionate
Self-compassion is not indulgent. You should treat yourself with the same grace as any of your friends. Self-compassion involves recognising your distress and understanding that it’s a normal human experience. When someone else struggles, a natural empathy and desire to help flow from it. All you have to do is train yourself to extend that same empathy and willingness to aid inward.
Acknowledging and sitting with our suffering is uncomfortable, but only by doing so can we motivate ourselves to seek help.
Be Loyal and Trustful
You have to choose yourself even when no one else wants you to. Most people put their interests first, and if you don’t stick to your own, you’ll get dragged into their plans and risk letting yourself down. If something doesn’t feel right, trust your intuition.
Self-love and Gratitude
Gratitude is the act of showing appreciation for something or someone. How does this apply to self-love?
We build our self-esteem when we show appreciation for our qualities and characteristics. According to the amplification theory of gratitude, acknowledging what you have and focusing on the good in your life prompts you to seek out even more good things. It can lead to greater self-compassion and self-acceptance.
Journal Prompts:
- Name 3 reasons you’re grateful you woke up this morning
- Mention 3 things the past-you did that the present-you is thankful for
- Grab the nearest object and write about how it’s served you
- Write a thank you note to someone who did a good deed for you today
- Send your three closest friends a letter of appreciation for being by your side.
Love Yourself by Accepting Your Body
You don’t have to feel good about your body all the time. How many of us can?
Body positivity has its merits. It tells you that all bodies are beautiful and deserve love and care. But sometimes, feeling good about this human shell seems disingenuous. The great news is that your body doesn’t have to be anything more than the structure that houses you. Like your home, you keep it clean and fix it up when you have the time, energy, and money. You become used to its idiosyncrasies.
Body neutrality says that rather than focusing on your appearance, consider what your body does for you. It allows you to taste delicious food and interact with your physical world and others. Your body is more than something to be gawked at or shamed. It is only one aspect of the whole and complex you. It deserves care, just like every other aspect of you.
You can accept and show your body kindness by:
- feeding it nutritious food
- moving your body in the ways it can
- giving it enough sleep
Journal prompt:
Name all the important ways your body has served you today. Think about any of your five senses and what they’ve allowed you to experience.
Love Yourself by Protecting Your Space
Your physical, mental and emotional space is precious. Learn how to protect them:
Set clear boundaries
Boundaries help us define our outlines, saying, “This is where you end, and I begin.” Communicating your boundaries and why you have them is vital, or you’ll quickly be taken advantage of. Be gentle but firm. Learn to say no and not overextend yourself to keep others happy when you can’t emotionally, mentally or physically afford it.
Unplug
We should spend time building awareness of our surroundings. Mindfulness about the space we inhabit connects us to our surroundings. To do this, our environment must be free of distractions.
Cultivate safety
Keep the company of people you trust. Stay alert in unfamiliar settings and learn to recognise early signs of danger. Have your emergency contacts on speed dial and protect your online privacy.
Care for your environment.
Declutter your space. Pick up litter on the street. Bring nature to you, even if it’s picking flowers from the roadside. Converse energy where you can. Connect with nature and advocate for environmental consciousness.
Embrace your emotions
There is so much pressure to be happy or look on the bright side that we sometimes bury less savoury emotions. But we’re only human. Bottling up “negative” emotions like anger and despair can make us feel worse or numb in the moment, only for those feelings to come back with a vengeance when we least expect them.
Anger, jealousy and sadness are uncomfortable, but we have to try to embrace the full range of our emotions because they tell us about our inner world. Embracing our emotions means becoming comfortable with discomfort. It means being mindful and neither minimising nor exaggerating our feelings.
How to feel the full range of your emotions:
1. Accept that experiencing the full range of your emotions is a part of human life. You are not good or bad for feeling a certain way. What makes the difference is how those feelings influence your actions.
2. Validate your emotions. Pay attention to them and what they are trying to tell you about your psychological state. They are real; they are happening for a reason. Be careful not to overidentify with them. Emotions are transient and you will not feel this way forever.
3. Take action. If your emotions reveal something you need to change or take care of immediately, react to those cues. That could mean leaving an uncomfortable space, ending a conversation or seeking comfort from a loved one.
4. Be compassionate. Don’t beat yourself up for how you are feeling. Give yourself time and grace to change.
Self-love is Unconditional
Love should not be forced.
What do you think about when you hear “unconditional love”? When your pet throws up on your pillow and zooms around the house, breaking every other fragile object in sight. You clean up the mess and give them an exasperated look. There’s no love lost.
Can you love yourself the same way despite annoying mistakes and glaring flaws? What if the problems are more glaring and less easily acceptable – you’re failing a class, or you’ve lost all your friends? How do you even begin to try?
I might repeat a few points here, but think of these as the highlight reel:
Let go of that which you cannot change
You have no control over the family you are born into or your genetic profile. There are things you want to change but don’t have the resources to do so. It’s time to stop desperately grappling for control.
Keep Record
This might seem silly, but our ability to ruminate on negativity is immense. Everyday goodness appears to slip away in a blink. So write it down. Record every trait and deed that made you feel loveable and worthy. When doubt starts to creep in, remind yourself of your list.
Expand Your World
You may think that you are uniquely unloveable. You’ve narrowed down exactly why you are the exception to the rule of self-love. I implore you to do a little digging on the internet. Find stories similar to yours, stories of recovery and change. Look at examples of how things don’t always have to be how they are now. If others have faced what you’ve faced and found a way to love themselves, it’s possible for you, too.
Summary
Loving yourself is easier said than done.
These seven synonyms of self-love can help you reach that ever-elusive state.
Self-forgiveness
Guilt is a helpful motivator for change, but we should be careful of taking on guilt for circumstances beyond our control. It is essential to take responsibility for our mistakes and affirm our capacity to learn from them. Use this journal prompt to practice self-forgiveness.
Be your own best friend.
Learn to spend quality time with yourself and use your physical, emotional and financial resources on yourself.
Practise Gratitude
Build your capacity to see the good in your life and invite further goodness by exercising gratitude.
Accepting your body
If body positivity seems like an impossible task, embrace body neutrality. Care for the body by giving it food, enough sleep and movement.
Protect your space
Set firm boundaries, protect your physical and emotional environment and connect with nature to feel more grounded.
Embrace all your emotions
Experience and accept the full range of your emotions. Listen to what they’re telling you and whether you need to take action.
Unconditional Love
Relinquish control and regret over that which you cannot change. Love yourself despite your past and circumstances. Keep a catalogue of why you deserve love and return to it in times of doubt.
Conclusion
Self-love is more than a buzzword. There are tangible ways to creep closer to a life with less pain. It requires a combination of self-awareness, compassion and growth, but with time and patience, the goal of loving yourself is far from impossible.
If you’ve found something useful or want to share your perspective, share this post or leave a comment.
References
Homan, K., & Hosack, L. (2019). Gratitude and the self: Amplifying the good within. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 29(7), 874–886. https://doi.org/10.1080/10911359.2019.1630345
Neff, K. D. (2022). Self-Compassion: theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74(1), 193–218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047
Strauss, C., Taylor, B. L., Gu, J., Kuyken, W., Baer, R., Jones, F., & Cavanagh, K. (2016). What is compassion and how can we measure it? A review of definitions and measures. Clinical Psychology Review, 47, 15–27. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.05.004